Age is Just a Number?

They say age is just a number, but is that really true? Can relationships with a big age gap really work? Should they? And what constitutes a big age gap anyway? People mature at different rates (don’t tell me you don’t know at least one person who’s twenty five going on fifty five and another who’s thirty going on thirteen), so surely it’s not that unfeasible, or even that wrong, for two people who are several years apart in age to get along and form a lasting relationship? At one point does the age gap become insurmountable?

I for one have come across two notable examples of where large age gaps have worked – to an extent, at least. My ex’s parents met when she was twenty and he forty five. They married after a whirlwind affair and went on to have six children together. Now, she is in her fifties and he in his eighties, though I think it would be fair to say the age difference has meant they no longer have a romantic relationship. The second example is a couple I recently met through a friend who have been together for ten years; she is in her mid thirties and he is in his mid fifties. They have a four year old son, and he has three children from previous relationships. Watching them together it’s plain to see they love one another very much, but when the topic of them having more children comes up there is a palpable feeling of tension in the air. She is obviously desperate to have more, whereas he already has four and is nearer to collecting-pension age than raising-children age. You can’t blame the poor guy for not wanting to spend his last few years of middle age knee-deep in nappies and baby sick, but equally you can’t blame her for wanting the opportunity to be a mother again when she’s at just the right age to try for a second child. Not an easy situation, but I guess when you enter into a relationship like that you accept there will be issues – big issues – that you will just have to work through, compromise on.

But what if the tables are turned and the older partner is the woman? Whereas the concept of older men dating much younger women has always been accepted in society, the concept of older women dating much younger men – the archetypal ‘Mrs Robinson’ relationship – seems far less prevalent. Perhaps this is simply because it IS less prevalent – loathe as I am to admit it, women don’t generally age as well as men, so it’s easy to see why older men prefer to trade in their partners for younger models but somewhat harder to see why young men would want to get together with women old enough to be their mothers. Or perhaps it’s because society refuses to accept the older woman/younger man scenario, finds it distasteful, somehow bordering on the inappropriate in a way that the older man/younger woman scenario is not.

Whilst it doesn’t seem fair that older women are chastised more than their male counterparts for liaising with far younger members of the opposite sex, I must admit I was shocked to read in the paper this morning that Madonna is considering marrying Jesuz Luz, the toy boy thirty years her junior. Maybe it’s the fact she’s got three young children that makes it all the more objectionable – after all, her youngest child Lourdes is, at thirteen, three times closer to her boyfriend’s age than she is! But does any of that matter if they’re really happy? Really in love? According to reports, the Kabbalah religion Madonna follows so stringently teaches that physical age does not matter, it’s spiritual age that really determines a person. And, in some ways, I can see the argument for that. But, whilst I believe in the ‘each to their own’ mentality, I still don’t think that I personally could be with someone that much older, or younger, than me, it just wouldn’t feel right.

That said, since splitting with my ex I have noticed a worrying propensity to go for younger men. I suppose a psychologist would say I like them because I know what I’m getting – there’s no way they’re looking for a serious relationship and so I don’t feel they’re a threat in any way. It can only be a bit of fun, no strings attached, and so nobody (by which I do of course mean me!) will get hurt. So far this strategy has served me well – whilst I do lust after my lovely South African holiday romance (age 21), I see the ‘relationship’ for what it is; friends with benefits (sadly few and far between). Most recently I met a fourth year student at an album launch party who I’ve arranged to meet up with next week. At first I managed to convince myself he was at least twenty three, but today a colleague pointed out it was unlikely he was any older than twenty one, which I must admit has made me slightly nervous – after all, we never had the ‘age’ conversation so he doesn’t know how old I am either (28 next week, for those that don’t know – eek). Still, I’m going to give it a whirl – after all, what have I got to lose? At worst we won’t have anything in common, I’ll find him immature, and won’t see him again. At best I may just find my own Jesus, eh Madonna? ;-)