Having cast my eye back over the previous couple of posts, I'm pleased to see I have achieved two of the things I listed: Firstly, I took part in National Novel Writing Month for the fourth time in November, writing and ultimately completing the first draft of yet another reasonably sound story. Secondly, I booked myself onto a weekend course entitled 'An Introduction to Meditation and Buddhism,' which is due to take place on the last weekend of January, and which I must admit to being very excited about. Why? Because it's something I've always been interested in but too lazy to pursue, and because I've finally taken a positive step towards opening my mind a little and seeing what else there is to life besides the hedonistic lifestyle I do such a great job of cultivating. Time will tell whether it's worth it, but a teetotal, vegetarian weekend of meditation in the beautiful Scottish countryside can only be a good thing, right?
As I look ahead to 2010, the start of a new decade, it's hard not to look back at the previous one with a mixture of both fondness and regret. If you'd asked me five years ago where I would be now I suspect I would have said engaged, maybe even married, with plans to start a family in the next couple of years. Funny how things turn out differently to how you expect but, as time has gone on, I've come to realise that my life now is probably far richer than it would have been had I continued along that much longed-for trajectory. I've grown up so much in the past two years, have learnt so much about myself that I might otherwise never have discovered. I've learnt that I am strong, that I can be just as happy by myself as with a partner, that where career is concerned it's more important to me to be helping people than earning stacks of money (dammit!). I've learnt I want to travel, experience different ways of life and learn more about the world. I've also learnt that I have the most amazing support network around me, such wonderful friends and family who will always be there, no matter what life throws at me. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel lucky and blessed to be who I am, and I want to make the most of every precious second of my life.
It's a funny old age, 28. Not old enough to feel 'mature' (God I hate that word) but not young enough to be able to put your acts of stupidity down to youthful exuberance. Part of you feels like it's time to grow up and start taking responsibility for yourself, and yet part of you wants to take off and run for the hills, escape and start all over so that this time you can get it just right. You live in a constant state of 'fight or flight,' whilst all the while hoping that one day you'll wake up and feel that sense of calm acceptance that older people seem to have, an aura that says: This is my life, and it is good. I feel no need to fight it, or change it. I am happy as I am.
I think I've made it as far as the 'This is my life, and it is good' stage, but I'm definitely still fighting for change at the moment, and the flighty part of me is already planning the next stage of my journey, which will see me, a year from now, take off on a round the world trip that I'm hoping will satisfy at least some of my desire to learn more about the world.
As for love, I think I have finally accepted that it will come when I least expect it, so instead of feeling desperate and afraid that it may pass me by, I'm content to just continue enjoying all the fun that the single life has to offer (of which there is much, believe you me.... ;-))
Life is good - great, actually - and it has so much to offer. Bring on 2010 - I don't intend to waste a moment of it.
1 comment:
What a lovely post Bege, so thoughtful and hopeful. I too hope that 2010 brings you everything you deserve. Do let me know how you get on at that meditation place. I'd love to try it but alas am also too lazy! Fx
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