Clear out for the Soul

Well, I must say it's been quite a revelation waking up on a Sunday without a hangover for once. Today's been more productive than the last three weekends put together; up at 10am, ran 7k around the Common, stopped off en route home to do the weekly shop and have smoked salmon and cream cheese bagels with my best friend, then spent the afternoon having a massive clear out of my room. What started as the urge to get rid of a bit of superfluous/out of date paperwork soon turned into a mammoth mission, and by the end I'd filled a black bag full of crap. In truth, my room doesn't look much different now to how it looked when I started, but I have the satisfaction of knowing it is beneath the surface.

Unfortunately, as is inevitable when embarking on something as momentous as a once-yearly clear out, I stumbled across a few things that made me feel nostalgic; primarily a letter I had written to my ex several weeks after we broke up. Given that he's been in my head a lot recently because of the recent passing of his dad (I even had a dream last night about going to the wake and his whole family ignoring me, then his pregnant girlfriend told me I should never have come, and when I eventually got to speak to him a massive suspension bridge in the background collapsed; dream experts would have a field day trying to decipher that!), it was particularly poignant to remember how devastated I was at that time. Even now, two and a half years down the line, if I think about it enough those feelings of desertion come creeping back, although to a much lesser extent. But in a way I'm not sure that's such a bad thing. Horrendous as the whole thing was, it set me on a completely different path in life that I'm loving every minute of, and whilst it is painful to relive the memories of what happened, it's probably quite healthy not to keep them buried deep down inside. That said, I'm still gutted not to have heard back from him in response to my condolence email; it took a lot for me to send it after nearly three years of no contact, but I was so fond of his dad that I had to say something, and I won't deny it's a kick in the teeth to be ignored by him yet again. Still, at least I know I've been the bigger person, I guess that's something.

Today has really paved the way for me to start thinking about my travels. I know that technically it's still four and a half months until I leave, but the way this year's been flying past I know that time will be upon me before I know it, and I need to be prepared. I'm increasingly sure I made the right choice in cutting out NZ and South America; whilst they're both places I'd love to visit, it's important to me that I don't feel I'm spending the whole trip rushing to 'tick things off the list,' I want to get underneath the skin of the places I visit, and to do that I need to give them the time they deserve. I'm particularly excited about India, which is funny as it didn't even feature in my original plan, but given my interest in Buddhism and meditation it suddenly seems the obvious choice and I'm not at all sure why it wasn't my starting point all along.

To summarise, today's mood has been nostalgic, but also cathartic. I do believe things happen for a reason, and I feel there are great things for me on the horizon. Life is exciting, and I'm on the brink of another adventure, one I'm embarking on all by myself and for all the right reasons. Who knows where it will take me, but one thing's for sure; wherever it is, I'll have a hell of a time getting there :-)