Thought Spill

I haven't been sleeping all that well of late, which is most unlike me. I wonder if, in part, it's due to worrying about not getting everything sorted for my travels, or perhaps it has something to do with the changing season and this sudden, insufferable cold spell we're encountering (not helped by the fact our heating's on the blink - some teaching from my distant past inclines me to think we need to 'bleed' the radiators, though I haven't a scooby how we might achieve this. I'm sure when the cold becomes so unbearable our feet turn to blocks of ice we will address the problem). Either way, it's troubling me, not least because I'm realising, as I get older (yawn-quite literally), that I just don't function well when I'm underslept. It also troubles me because my mother, bless her, has had severe insomnia for a number of years now, and it's one of my greatest fears (besides dying, and getting dementia - cheery soul, me) that I'll develop the same problem. Sleep is my sanctuary, the one place I can, to some extent, switch off and rest my weary, overthinking brain. That, and the cinema, which has the same restorative powers (if not more so; at least in the cinema I can totally immerse myself in the film I'm watching, whereas recently I've had increasing numbers of disturbing dreams about The Ex. Even three years down the line he haunts me in my dreams, the bastard. Anyway, I digress..)

So there's the sleep thing, and there's the worry-about-going-away thing, both of which are logical reasons why I'm feeling a bit on edge, for want of a better phrase. Oh, and THEN there's the worry-about-Mum-when-I-go-away thing, which there's precious little I can do about really. I actually think she'll be fine once I'm actually GONE, it's just in the run up to my leaving that she's fretting herself into a frenzy over all the things there are to do in preparation. I'm doing my best to tick something off the list every day, but with work currently manic and the lack of sleep I'm finding it a struggle.

Anyway, that's quite enough of the doom and gloom. The fact of the matter is I'm going travelling, for eight months, and the next few weeks can't go quickly enough because I genuinely can't wait. Don't get me wrong, I love London, and I'm certain I'll return here when I'm back. It's just that lately I've been feeling increasingly claustrophobic, getting the same tube every day, going to the same office, drinking in the same bars, waking up with a hangover every Sunday (and the rest)...Life's become a bit hum drum, and as I'm fortunate enough to have the means to get away for a bit, take some time out to reevaluate, that's exactly what I intend to do. There's nothing quite so exhilirating as the prospect of a few months alone and at the mercy of strange countries, foreign cultures, fate. I'm not so naive as to presume this trip will 'be the making' of me, or that I will 'find' myself in some Ashram in India, but I truly believe there is some kind of guiding force that's led me to making this decision, and I'm looking forward to exploring both myself and my faith a little deeper. The main problem with living in a big city is that life gets in the way of getting to know yourself. It gets harder and harder to create the space that we as human beings need to reach our full potential. There are too many distractions, as I've alluded to before, and too many temptations.

In the past two days not one, but two, people have remarked upon how much happier I am when I don't have men in my life. And they're right. Don't worry, I'm not about to go off on a man rant, I know when the right one comes along things will be different, but in the meantime it's important to keep perspective. There's nothing whatsoever wrong with having the odd fling, but if every encounter with the opposite sex leaves you more jaded and cynical than the last, it's time to take stock and reevaluate what you're all about. I have a friend who is currently in the most horrific situation with a man, a situation which - and I wish to God I was exaggerating - I fear may ruin her whole life. For all those times I've found myself feeling sad and lonely, I only have to look at what she's going through to know it's better to keep your dignity intact and be alone than it is to sell your soul to someone who will never love you in the way you want, or deserve, to be loved.

I could rant on further, Lord knows there's a lot going on in my brain at the moment, but given the sleeping issues I have to give my brain a chance to switch off, so I will bid you adieu.