Calming the Monkey Mind

Last night I had one of those moments. You know the ones, they’re pretty few and far between, but when they do happen, they take you by surprise, make your heart lift, make you feel the load you have to bear is that little bit lighter. That you’re not alone. Or maybe that you are alone, but that that’s okay.

Allow me to explain. So there I was, in my room, laptop fired up but being ignored in favour of some mindless drivel on channel 4, contemplating in the ad breaks when my exhausted mind was free to wander the fact my phone had seldom rung in the previous couple of days and wondering whether this meant my popularity had waned to such an extent my friends no longer remembered me. In other words, feeling a bit lonely and more than a little sorry for myself. And then it happened. Looking around my room my eyes came to rest on the wooden tablet I bought in Cambodia last year, upon which is painted a likeness of Buddha, His hand held up in a gesture of warmth and love (or maybe, and somewhat more appropriately, atonement). Quite suddenly the knot of worry in my stomach untied itself completely and my monkey mind was still. I cast my mind back to the wonderful week I spent in Cambodia and the inner strength I felt at that time (and have since had immortalised on my lower back in the form of a tattoo that means, quite literally, ‘inner strength.' Or at least I hope that's what it says, could be 'chicken and chips' for all I know..but anyway, my monkey mind digresses...) and I just felt overwhelmingly and inexplicably calm and at peace with myself, almost as if a portal to another world had opened up before me – a world of infinite opportunities ripe for the taking.

Clearly for a few minutes last evening I took leave of my senses, but, madness aside, I gained a lot of perspective on my life at the same time. I am, regrettably, one of life’s Worriers, an ever-multiplying breed of doommongers who spend more time mulling over the many possible things that could go wrong in life than actually living it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and fully appreciate how many wonderful things and people I have in it, but I do sometimes wonder if I’m living it to the very best of my ability. Should I go travelling again? Meet new people? Join some clubs? Do more exercise? Is it okay to still be a bit of a social whirlwind now I’ve passed the dreaded ‘1 year single’ mark, or should I be trying to meet someone and settle down (think I know the answer to that one!!), be more responsible etc. The problem, I guess, is that I’m ALWAYS thinking, and it’s really quite exhausting because it leaves no room to just BE. Which is what I did last night, albeit for a few short moments. I just WAS. And it was good.

Back to normal today however - saw pics of the dreaded Ex and the poisonous dwarf bitch at a party with some mutual friends and felt the familiar pang of...what, exactly? Not love, sadness maybe? Mourning? Resentment? Whatever it was it wasn't pleasant, and I kicked myself for allowing it to manifest itself at all when recently I've been doing so well. Hardly surprising though, considering we were recently invited to a very good mutual friend's party and he's refusing to go because I will be there. Of course I understand the reasons for that - in spite of my protestations that I wouldn't make a scene it's still (between you and me) a very distinct possibility. But every time he doesn't go to an event because of me, or argues with his friends/family for still seeing me, it's as if the knife is twisted a little deeper. Like he's saying 'can't you just get OUT of my life? I don't CARE that we were together for nearly a decade, we're not together any more and I want nothing to do with you.' It hurts, in other words. A lot. But I guess that's only natural.

Right, me and my monkey mind have got a LOT to be getting on with..