Yesterday was not a good day for me. Had my first wobble of 2009 and it wasn’t fun – not that dredging up old memories and slipping up in the contacting-unsuitable-men front ever is. To be honest I’m reluctant to go into too much detail now that I’ve managed to pull myself back from the brink, but suffice to say my recent emotional issues have almost certainly been triggered by an imminent party to which both myself and my Ex were invited but only I am attending (as he clearly still feels he’d rather stick his head in an industrial oven than be in the same room as the girl he was supposedly in love with for the best part of a decade, in spite of the fact it was him and not me that cheated and behaved like an a total and absolute bastard).
I guess it’s just brought home to me the fact that after all that’s happened there really is no way of salvaging anything positive from our relationship. I used to think if he ever split with HER then we might be able to forge some kind of friendship, but now I realise that’s incredibly unlikely – what reason would I have to be friends with him when he’s made no attempt whatsoever to contact me in over a year, not even to see how I am? Much as I know he’d love me to just disappear from his life and stop seeing his friends and family, the bonds I’ve created with them over all these years are just too strong to break. It’s been hard enough losing him, let alone losing all them too, I just wish he could get it through his thick skull that this isn’t about him anymore. Anyway, the less said about that the better.
On the contacting-unsuitable-men front, I was most annoyed to find that in spite of my deleting a certain person’s phone number should just such a situation as last night arise (ie a moment of weakness), I actually still had it in the form of an old text message. Emboldened by a conversation with someone from my writing group (which, as an aside, has now moved from the community centre to the new Caffe Nero around the corner. First meeting of the year last night was attended by an impressive number of people and comprised a couple of examples of excellent writing and one example of don’t-give-up-your-day-job writing, which always makes me feel slightly concerned that people might think my writing’s like that, though am reasonable safe in my assertion that isn’t the case. Surely even the worst of my writing isn’t that dull? Surely?) I foolishly sent a ‘hope you’re okay’ text to the 23/now 24y.o. (hope he’s okay? Hope he’s okay? That’s a bloody joke! Of course he’s okay! It’s me I should be worrying about!!), which he responded to with a typically jokey and suitably unaffectionate response. Why? WHY do I do it? When every time I end up wishing I had never even bothered? Time to re-read He’s Just Not That Into You, I think. Then watch the film. And if that doesn’t work, throw my phone in the Thames (and if THAT doesn't work, throw myself in after it. Desperate measure, but..)
I will summarise the lessons I have learned from the above as follows:
In life you can either choose to be a victim, letting every little knock set you further back along the path to ultimate success, or you can choose to be a fighter, picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and carrying on, secure in the knowledge you won’t make that mistake again.
Whilst being happy is something we all aspire to, it’s not a God given right. I firmly believe that having a positive mental attitude in the face of any adversity you may face (once again I would qualify this by saying I’m talking about those of us who are, to all intents and purposes, lucky enough to lead privileged lives) is the key to a successful life. You can’t expect happiness to fall into your lap, but if you have a sunny outlook then you might just find it happens anyway.
Or at least I hope so...
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1 comment:
Lets hear it for the Bege! Fx
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