Contradiction in Terms

That's what I am, in some ways, and it's only just occurred to me. For example, I crave companionship but also space, stability but also excitement, I'm permanently frustrated by both the lack of opportunities available to me and the abundance of them. That's not to say I fall into the 'never happy' bracket, far from it, my life is as rich as they come, full of wonderful people and experiences. Perhaps the problem (if you can even call it that) is that I'm just not very good at managing it all.

I'm an all or nothing girl, I guess, balance certainly ain't my middle name, nor moderation either. If I'm reading/writing/seeing something/someone (delete as appropriate!) I love then that's all that will hold my attention, if not I'll seek out something else to interest me more (more often than not this comes in the form of cheap thrills; brief flirtations, nights on the town, making plans to 'do' things like go to concerts or on holiday, sign up to ridiculously challenging sporting events etc).

I live life to the full, there's no question of that, but when it comes to my hobbies and dreams, all too often I succumb to the tendency to get carried away with the latest 'fad,' whatever that may be, at the expense of those things that will actually last, potentially even carry me through life.

Take relationships for example. It's fair to say that until a few years ago I thought I had it nailed, but recent experience has taught me to be cautious, because situations (and people) can change at the drop of a hat, and if you become complacent and sail along oblivious to the storm gathering on the horizon, the only one left with egg on their face is you. Weird analogy, granted, but my point is that you shouldn't take anything for granted in this life, and nor should you force things to happen.

I spend far too much time worrying about being left on the shelf. In my more rational moments I tell myself this just won't happen; after all, I'm bright, reasonably attractive, funny (so I'm told, though whether people are laughing at me or with me I sometimes find hard to ascertain!), there's nothing overtly wrong with me (my exes might disagree, but for the purposes of this post let's assume that). What I should be doing at this point in my life is revelling in my singledom, making the most of the opportunity to flirt with lots of boys and play the field, because one day The One WILL come along (the law of averages says so, right? Right?), most likely when I least expect it (or knowing my luck when I'm about to hop on a plane and bugger off for 9 months).

But what do I do instead? Fret and overthink things, flirt with boys as I rightly should but then worry when the guy who took my number in the chip shop at 2am last weekend doesn't text to say he thinks I'm wonderful (why are you even surprised?!!) Allow myself to get distracted by mundane social networking sites when I should be crafting a literary masterpiece. Generally just let life get in the way of true happiness and success.

When the fling with the 21 year old ended a few weeks back I was shocked to realise the correlation between my writing and my relationships. Suddenly I had a wealth of time on my hands, I wasn't wondering when our next date would be, whether he'd text me back, it was as if my brain actually increased in size and all the thoughts about my genuine interests (reading, writing, travel plans, to name but a few) came flooding back into the gap that he'd left behind. Surely that can only be a good thing, I thought to myself at the time, but since then I've begun to evaluate just how much of a bad thing it is when you allow yourself to be so consumed by one thing, especially when, as in my case, you're not really even into that thing as much as you could be. I mean, I liked him, granted - in fact if truth be told I liked him a lot - but I always knew it wasn't going to last, so why did I put so much energy into it?

As I sit here, evaluating my current status, I simply feel the need to get this down on record. My name is Belinda and I have an addictive personality. I like attention (who doesn't?!), I want more than anything to be loved, but I'm not desperate and I know my worth. Love will come, in due course and without the need for provocation, but without some serious application I fear that writing and a good career may not. Those are the things I have to strive for, and putting this down in words is the best way I can think of to remember that in the future.

In other news, today I got a call from the Assistant Producer of Dating in the Dark, asking me to come in for an audition. Can this (along with the 21 year old, the DJ, the man in the chip shop - which was actually a curry house, but I digress..), I wonder, be put in the 'funny stories for writing' box and therefore legitimised? See what I mean about being a contradiction in terms?!