Live and Let Live

On Monday I heard the news I’ve been dreading ever since my ex left me for someone else; that the ‘someone else’ is having his baby. Learning of this through the medium of social networking was not ideal, but in a way I’m glad I stumbled across it when I did. By all accounts the ‘news’ is only just beginning to break (and spread like wildfire), so I’d rather know from the outset than hear it on the end of some long and drawn out grapevine.


I don’t know if I can accurately put into words how this news makes me feel. The primary emotion is sadness. I spent almost a decade in what was, for the most part, a committed and loving relationship with this man, and marriage and babies were very much on the cards for us, in my mind at least. I’d love to say there’s no part of me that wishes it were me in her position, but if I did say that I’d be lying. In my lower moments I’ve allowed myself to dwell on the idea she is living the life I wanted, but when I rationalise things I know that we weren’t right for one another, not really, and had we stayed together I doubt I would ever have been completely happy.

It’s not love, I realise now, if you spend the whole time with a nagging feeling that they’re going to leave you one day, that you’re not good enough - or maybe just not enough - for them. I’m not saying that I always felt that way, but I felt it more often than not, particularly towards the end (though now we all know why that was), and that’s not right. Such insecurity chips away at you until you become the very person you always said you would never be; a nag, a bore, clingy and mistrusting.

What hurts the most is the lack of closure. Of course it’s always going to be difficult, nigh-on impossible, to right the wrong when you’ve betrayed someone’s trust in the worst possible way, but a gesture can do so much; a kind word, a letter, a phone call to say you’re sorry. For the past two and a half years I realise now I have been waiting for such a gesture, something to enable me to consign him firmly to the past and move on once and for all. I figured this would never happen while he was with her, but everyone felt so sure they wouldn’t last that I was happy to wait as long as it took.

Now I have conclusive proof that closure will not come in the form I had hoped. This, then, must be my closure; the revelation that he is bringing a child into the world with another woman will have to take the place of my long-awaited apology. Hmm, not ideal, admittedly, but in some ways it couldn’t be better for me. There’s no room for manoeuvre on this one; no scope for the ‘maybe they’ll split up’ conversations of old. Maybe they WILL split up, one day, but now no matter what they will always be tied inextricably together through the person they’ve created.

I can’t say I wish them well, it’s still too raw for me to be that generous, but I do hope that with time compassion will usurp my bitterness and I’ll be able to at least feel with more conviction that we weren’t meant for one another, they possibly are, and that my soul mate, if such a thing exists, is yet to cross my path.

As my star sign today said: Live and Let Live. Today, in my more positive mindset, I’m thinking that’s a pretty good philosophy to start living by.