Dreams and everything after

Just got back from the cinema where I saw Inception, Leonardo DiCaprio’s (swoon) new film. The concept is a fascinating one; the idea that you can venture into other people’s dreams to extract information and, furthermore, implant false information that the person will then believe to be true when they wake up. I was hoping for something as intricate and complex as Vanilla Sky - with layer upon layer of meaning that you don’t necessarily grasp at the first viewing, and perhaps aren’t even meant to – and whilst I certainly wouldn’t go so far as to say I was disappointed, for me it wasn’t on the same level. There was plenty of action, and the notion of dreams within dreams within dreams (ad infinitum) being a possibility was certainly a gripping one, but I felt somehow it could have gone further, that they played it a bit safe in parts where they could have gone deeper. But maybe that’s just me, the archetypal fantasist, always wishing just a little bit that such flights of fancy really were possible, that we really could go deeper within ourselves and unlock the true meaning of life; our “destiny.” Whether or not it was a great film, as opposed to just a good film, the thing that matters is that I’ve come away thinking about the topics it explored, and in my eyes this means it was at least worth seeing.


In other (far less deep and schmaltzy) news, am still excited beyond measure about next year; every time I start to feel stressed I just think about it and the tension subsides. It’s so good to be so absolutely certain that I’m doing the right thing. I’m not sure I’ve ever been this certain about anything in my life.

Perhaps because I know my plans are now concrete, I’m finding work a bit of a struggle. It’s not that the motivation has left me – I love that charity far too much to stop caring and being conscientious about my work – I suppose I just feel ready for my next challenge, and it’s a strain not being able to tell people (I’m taking a risk writing about it on here, I know, but maybe in a way it would be better for someone to see it and ‘out’ me) as they’re like family to me and I know they’ll be sad to see me go, and vice versa. Still, not long now until I can get it out in the open, and then the excitement can really begin.

Today I discovered the full draft of Out of Reach (last year’s NaNo novel, about the plane crash) on my work laptop and was genuinely surprised to read the first three chapters and feel as if I were reading someone else’s work. It’s funny how you can spend a month so totally immersed in something and then just as quickly forget all about it. Must admit after reading it I did wonder if I’ve been putting all my energies into the wrong story; I mean, Kilifi’s all well and good, but essentially it is just ‘chick lit,’ not that there’s anything wrong with that per se, but I feel inherently that the stories inside me have more gravity than that, that they should focus on the dark side of the human mind and the places it can go when severely tested. I don’t know, I could be wrong, some days I think I could just as easily write a comedy script (a crap one, most likely, but a comedy nonetheless); maybe every one of us has it in us to write whatever we so desire, a number of different genres at different times or in different phases of our lives. All I know is that reading those chapters today has awakened something inside me that’s made me want to write something dark again. If I gather all my strength perhaps I’ll find the courage to revisit that story and make it into something good. We’ll see.

I’ve no idea where I got to in my last blog post; no doubt it involved a round-up of my liaisons with the opposite sex, and whilst I don’t particularly want to go into it now I feel for posterity I should record the recent happenings. Firstly, I met up with my second ever boyfriend last weekend for the first time in twelve years. Needless to say it was a little odd, but we alleviated the weirdness by inviting our respective best friends along as wingmen. All was going swimmingly until my friend got a nasty dose of food poisoning and projectile vomited all over the mens’ urinals. I swear to God, it was like a scene from the Exorcist. If it hadn’t been so mortifying I would have cried with laughter; as it was I tried in vain to help clear it up and then walked her outside and saw her off. Then there were three, and the ex’s friend decided the best way forward was to get us all riotously drunk. Sadly for the ex this plan backfired somewhat when I got so drunk they had to take me home and put me to bed. And let me tell you, waking up in a stranger’s bed at 8am, fully clothed and with a half naked boy who you haven’t seen for twelve years lying next to you, it’s some fairly trippy shit.

Since that night we’ve had sporadic contact and made half-hearted promises to meet up, but the fact of the matter is he lives in Oxford, I live in London, and whilst we didn’t know one another that well then (or indeed now), if we were meant to be together I’m pretty sure we’d know by now. It’s a bit of fun, that’s all.

Slightly more bizarrely on the romantic horizon is a date with an ex-soldier who is currently working for a security firm in Afghanistan. I joined a forces penpal website (long story, but the origin was based in research for a story) a couple of months’ back and, whilst most of them can barely construct a coherent sentence and seem to have a disproportionate fondness for posting half naked pictures of themselves on the internet, one guy stood out for his honesty and interesting conversation. I think the fact he’s so far away made it easy for us both to drop our barriers from the outset, and over the course of several emails we’ve discussed all kinds of things, from why our last relationships turned sour to why we’re both still searching for something and reluctant to settle down. He’s 37, and it’s been fascinating for me to learn his take on life. I think we both share some core values, and we both have a love of travelling (who doesn’t?) which gives us something to talk about. Don’t want to make more of it than it is – I mean, from his pic I don’t even really fancy him, but there’s just something about him that makes me want to meet up in person. Which we are doing at the end of August when he’s back on leave for seven days! If nothing else it’ll make excellent writing fodder.

I’ve also got a potential date lined up with a fellow (much more hardcore) triathlete I’ve been messaging on MSF. Not much more to say on that one other than watch this space (and it will almost certainly lead to nothing!)

Really should stop writing now as it’s getting late and I’m shattered; why is it always times like this when I feel like writing my autobiography, yet when I sit down at a more suitable time of day my imagination just dries up? Typical. Right now I’m thinking about two friends of mine; one who has recently been very ill in hospital and the other who is having doubts about their marriage. I won’t go into detail on either front, partly to protect their identities in the unlikely event anyone who knows them should read this, and partly because I’m too tired, but suffice to say both of their situations have had a profound effect on the way I see life. The friend who has been unwell has made me see how precious life is; how your health can be snatched away at any minute and your whole existence altered in ways you could not previously have imagined. The friend who’s having doubts about their marriage has made me feel relief that I’m single at this time, and free to explore my independence and what I really want out of life before I commit myself to sharing it with someone else forever more. Again, life is short, too short to make too many stupid mistakes.

Suffice to say I’m in a good place right now, mentally. I feel calmer than I have in a long time, more sure of the direction in which I’m headed, even if I’ve no idea of the destination. I’m trying to appreciate life, to see the beauty in everything and to take a bit of time out now and then to just stop, because in the blink of an eye my whole existence will be behind me and I’ll be nothing but a speck of dust floating in the ether...perhaps....or maybe I’ll be somewhere far more exciting, like the places in the film I just watched. Maybe that’s the true beauty of life; the fact that what goes after is such a complete mystery.