Humble Pie

Have just got back from my first Shoreditch House Literary Salon, which I went to with the lovely Charlotte Duckworth, and am feeling enlightened. I'd never heard of Diana Athill before today, but she was an absolute delight; now in her nineties and still writing, indeed still talking about her future writing projects, she is nothing short of an inspiration. I found one of her recollections particularly emotive; that of moving from her old house to what I believe to be a nursing home. She talked of her anguish at having to get rid of some of her possessions, the feeling she had that all these things, whilst not in themselves important, were somehow part of her, and that losing them was therefore losing part of herself. But then she explained how she had overcome this feeling of grief with the help of her nephew, who had patiently sat with her and helped her to decide what to take and what to leave behind, and who had gone on ahead to her new home and made her bedroom just as he knew she would like it, with her books and trinkets on display, her bed made and her curtains hung. It touched me to hear her speak so fondly of him and the act of kindness he bestowed on her, and it made me think about kindness in general, and the need for people to treat each other with the respect and dignity they deserve.

On that note, I found the following quote (isn't Google a wonderful thing?) which I just wanted to share, because it's so very true:

Humility or humbleness is a quality of being courteously respectful of others. It is the opposite of aggressiveness, arrogance, boastfulness, and vanity. Rather than, "Me first," humility allows us to say, "No, you first, my friend." Humility is the quality that lets us go more than halfway to meet the needs and demands of others.


Friendships and marriages are dissolved over angry words. Resentments divide families and co-workers. Prejudice separates race from race and religion from religion. Reputations are destroyed by malicious gossip. Greed puts enmity between rich and poor. Wars are fought over arrogant assertions.

All too often I think people let their egos get in the way of being kind to one another, which in turn can lead to them becoming bad people; not evil, necessarily (as Alex Preston, who also did a reading tonight, said of his co-workers on the trading floor, few were evil, even fewer geniuses, most were simply stupid-and in a way I think the same principle applies here), but self-obsessed, fame-hungry, blind to the needs and wants of others. I'm not sure quite where I'm going with this other than to highlight the fact it would be nice if everyone just tried to keep others in mind, use them as a yardstick against our own desires so that we might serve them better, and in turn become better, happier people.

Aanyway, deep and meaningful conversation aside (it is now past midnight, there's only so long a girl can go on for), nearly got sprung at work today when a fax confirmation came through (weeks after it was sent due to a backlog) to confirm my placement on the Raleigh International assessment weekend in April. I returned from the printer to find it on my desk, but despite the probing comments and confused expressions of my bemused colleagues I clammed up and kept my head down, praying that they wouldn't ask for further clarification. Luckily, I think it worked, but they're not idiots. If they wanted to they could Google Raleigh in a second and see what I'm planning. I'm starting to feel deceitful but I know it's too early to tell them now. Am just going to have to keep things on the quiet for a few months more - although at the rate I'm going I won't have got any further with my planning this time next year! As soon as this triathlon's out of the way I'm getting on it!

Speaking of the triathlon, yesterday my ex-boyfriend (yes, THE ex-boyfriend)'s mum sponsored me. I have to say that including her on the begging email was tactical on my part, I knew she would respond in some way and to be honest I wanted her to; I heard from mutual friends last week that she was back in the country and just wanted to keep her updated with my news and let her know I still think of them all so fondly and so often. It's probably not good for me to be in contact but I just don't care - still feel so furious with him when I think of all I've lost because of the way he behaved. Fair enough if you want to walk away from someone, but don't expect your whole family to do the same, not when they've formed a decade-long bond with that person.

In other news (getting tired now so will keep it brief), Superman replied to my message in the end, which made me happy even though it wasn't the 'missing you' text I had hoped for, simply because he cared enough to send something, and something is better than nothing if it means I can keep my faith that he's a nice person, and that I wasn't wasting my time with him.

Latest drama involves a friend of a friend who I met at the weekend and now seems to think it's appropriate to text/phone me at every available opportunity in spite of the fact I've said (quite firmly, I thought) that the Tri is (somewhat tragically) my priority for the next few weeks and I can't do anything til afterwards. Okay, so clearly I'm exaggerating on the 'every available opportunity' front, but he is being a bit over keen, and something I've learned about myself in the last couple of years is that, rightly or wrongly, when guys come on too strong, too early, it's a bigger deterrent than I can possibly describe. I wish I could just see it, as a friend suggested, as them being mature, confident, knowing what they want, etc etc, but it makes me feel physically constricted and trapped. I like to be pursued, to a point, but not so closely it becomes claustrophobic - what's sexy about that?

No news from either of the agents I've submitted to (no surprises there), soon it will be time for the next round.

And I think that pretty much covers it.

Night!