The Changeling/Versions of Happiness/Thunderbolts

Something changed. I can't put my finger on what it was, but it did, and now things are just..well..different, somehow. And I'm annoyed, because I seem to always be doing this now. Drawing people into my personal space, lavishing them with attention and revelling in the attention they bestow on me in return. And then - nothing. No, more than that. A feeling of panic, fear even. Fear of what? Rejection, perhaps. That would make sense, at least. Or weirder still, the fear of being with just one person again. Sharing my life with just one person, when there are so many people out there. How can anyone ever know for certain that they've found the right one? Or even that there is just one person out there for each of us? What's happened to me in the past few months has certainly challenged the traditional notion of monogamy that I once held so close to my heart. I'm as scared of being alone as the next person, believe me, but surely being alone is better than being with the wrong person? And can you ever be truly alone when you have amazing friends and family who pick up the pieces when you fall apart and put them back together again?

Is there such a thing as a soulmate?

Or a thunderbolt moment when you know beyond all reasonable doubt someone is the one for you?

Have I had that in my life or did I just think I had it?

Will I ever have it again?

Should all romances be transient rather than permanent because that's the nature of mankind?

Is it greedy to want someone all to yourself for the whole of both your lives?

Should we consider ourselves lucky to have loved, even if that love was lost?

Everyone needs to be loved, and to some extent I'm sure every (unmarried) woman harbours childish dreams of having all eyes on her as she floats down the aisle in wisps of ivory silk to rapturous applause, gazing at her beloved and exchanging vows of everlasting love with heart-stopping sincerity. I know I do. But whether or not that's in the stars for me has yet to be determined. I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind either way. But one thing I'm sure of is that I'm determined not to settle for less than I deserve. Everyone has their own version of happiness, and being in love is far from the be all and end all. Happiness is a state of mind that can be achieved through the tiniest and most insignificant of things - a smile from a stranger on a bus can be enough to turn your day around, a rusty two pence coin on a pub floor promises hope where previously there was none.

I'll stop at nothing to find my own version of happiness. Whatever that may be. Because it's out there somewhere.

Maybe I am looking for a thunderbolt moment. And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.