Bank holiday weekend was great - seeing my fellow volunteers from Tanzania on Friday was an absolute blast. We went for tapas, drank silly amounts of sangria, took some ridiculously childish photos, made phone calls to other volunteers/friends in Australia and Africa (oops), went on to a cocktail bar where we proceeded to get even more drunk, stole a candle, went home, passed out. One word: hilarious.
Needless to say I wasn't feeling too fresh come Saturday morning, so I politely declined the offer of a BBQ and boozy night out in London town with the rodent and the primate (!) in favour of a night chilling on the sofa in Henley on Thames with some old friends I'd not seen in a while. We watched Bee Movie and Run Fat Boy Run, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, and ate vast amounts of spaghetti bolognese, popcorn and peanut M&Ms. I also had my long awaited chance to go for a drive, which was excellent, as I've missed driving something chronic since tearfully handing back the keys to my gorgeous company car a year and a half ago (still chokes me up now just thinking about it). Still, my Mum's new charcoal grey Ford Focus goes someway towards healing the pain.
Spent Sunday afternoon trawling Henley's charity shops - a revelation! - before heading home for an evening with the 'rentals. Curry + pre-recorded crap TV + early night = happy B :-)
Shame I had to go and spoil it all on Monday by going to a dinner party and barely getting any sleep, but hey ho, was all good fun and, I'm glad to report, after a good night's sleep I am now back on form and ready to face the day (in spite of the gloomy grey skies I am currently witnessing through the office window).
And while we're on the topic of work, BAW has presented me with a real quandrary. Because on the one hand he's lovely and I feel I'd be a fool to back out without having at least given things another chance (it doesn't feel right now, I'm pretty sure about that, but I'm not sure I could honestly put my hand on my heart and say I don't ever want anything to happen - talk about confusing!), but on the other I've alarm bells going off willy nilly in my brain because I feel if it were right then I'd just know, and that it must therefore not be, plus we work together and the golden rule of life is that you should never get involved with work mates (am really starting to understand the value of this rule - if I feel this awkward now, imagine how bad it would be if I gave it a chance and it all went horribly wrong). The bottom line, I think, is this: I'm still too emotionally fragile to give myself to another person. This is the first time in nearly a decade I've had the chance to be young, free and single, and whilst I do sometimes feel lonely and get scared I might never fall in love again, I know in my heart of hearts there's every chance that could happen, one day. But there's no great rush. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and until I've done that it would be unfair of me to commit to someone else as I'd never be able to be who they wanted me to be, and I'd almost certainly end up hurting them.
This next part is going to sound weird, but hear me out. Every now and then I like to listen to Baz Luhrman's 1999 song 'Sunscreen,' the lyrics of which I really feel are so applicable to my life, and life in general. It has a special place in my heart because '99 was the year I left school and started Uni, and, if memory serves, we played this song in our final assembly. And every time I listen to it I feel somehow lighter, or should I say enlightened. See what you think:
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
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